I heard a story just the other day from a friend of mine about a woman who, by all accounts looked old all except for her eyes – apparently they were bright blue and shiny.  The woman was sharing with the person behind the checkout counter about her loss of her husband of 55 years.  She was concerned if she’d ever get through it and was very confident in knowing that if it weren’t for the prayers of others, she wouldn’t be getting through it at all.  The checker bagged this woman groceries and then proceeded to walk her to the door of the store.  When she came back, she thanked my friend for being so patient while waiting.  The checker went on to explain that this woman’s husband passed a while ago but it still was so fresh and new to this woman and how hard she took his passing but is doing her best to get through each and every day.  The checker expressed how sorry she felt for the older woman – especially since she herself just went through a life changing event – a divorce after 38 years of marriage.  As my friend listened to the checker share, it was not only heart wrenching  but even more evident that we all go through some pretty tough stuff throughout our life time and we are not alone in that.

We are however alone in how we walk it out.  It is up to us to walk out our own path and that will be different for everyone.  Don’t get me wrong, we all can have as much outside support as we can handle, but in the end, we are the only ones that can do the work and make decisions that will thrust and move us forward in this life.  We can’t just sit around expecting everything to “work out”.

In my life, I can say doing the work and feeling the pain was by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  I married right out of high school and had two kids. That marriage ended in divorce five years later.  I found myself on welfare and food stamps for almost two years as I worked odd jobs.  I finally got a great job in downtown Seattle and made enough money to buy my first home.  I was super proud of myself.  I then met my second husband about three years after my divorce and we dated for two years before we got married.  I then lost my mom in 2000 at age 33 from colon cancer – I was in denial about her death for over 5 years!  I lost my dad two years later from complications due to diabetes.  I’ll never forget the call and the person on the other line asking me if I wanted to come visit my dad before they took him to the funeral home.  I declined.  I wanted to remember him alive.  During the time of my dads illness and passing, I had delivered a beautiful little girl who was born with several different delays and disabilities.  Her final diagnosis  is called Pierre Robin Sequence or Syndrome.  The biggest complication was her airway and her inability to suck, swallow, and breath.  We lived at Seattle Children’s Hospital for upwards to three months before they sent us home with oxygen tanks, suction machine, pulse ox machine and nasal gastric feeding tubes which I had to learn how to put down her nose in order to feed her.  This was just the tip of her story.

At the same time as all of this was going on, I received a call from my grandmother informing me that I am now her designated caregiver – she didn’t ask…she just informed.  So, rather than saying no and finding outside help, I went on to be her caretaker in the midst of caring for my special needs daughter and investing in my older two children, who at this time were in high school and middle school.  Eventually my grandmother moved in with us for full-time care due to a fall and a broken hip.  Life was in auto pilot at this time and stayed that way for another six years.

Fast forward to 2010, my grandmother passed away and my husband was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer – differentiated Lyposarcoma – all in the same week.  Only one percent of the population is diagnosed with that and only one percent of those survive. He was given three months to eighteen months to live.  He lived eighteen months – he passed away November 16, 2011.  I was always impressed with his will and determination to fight his cancer.  I greatly admired his strength and ability to press through the tough stuff.

After my late husbands passing, I found myself in this new season of life called “widowhood”.  Yeah….for the first two years I sat in my house pretty much staring at the walls day in and day out.  My friends got me out as much as they could which I greatly appreciated and am beyond thankful for.  Since my late husbands passing, both of my older kids have gotten married.  My son and his wife had a baby boy – Emmett – who was born on November 15, 2016.  Emmett also passed away that same day due to complications with his cord.   It has been quite difficult and challenging for our family to watch my son and his wife grieve to say the least.  My older daughter and her husband are preparing for the arrival of their son, Leland, in just a few weeks.  We are all very excited and can’t wait to meet him!

It has now been almost 5 1/2 years since my new title of “widow” and I have moved into a new home, I am dating, and I turned 50!   I will say looking back over the events and life experiences I have had, I am thankful for each and every one of them, and likewise, I am looking forward to ones still ahead in my future – both exciting and not so exciting. I have learned much about life and myself going through the stuff I have so far. I love my life and where I am in it at this moment!!

I wish I could say that I breezed through each and every life experience but I didn’t.  I had days where all I did was cry, scream, yell, jump up and down,worry, stay in bed and watch chick flicks, prayed – oh how I prayed, cried some more.  I also had days that were full of joy, love, peace, excitement, and hope – hope for my future.  I believe there is always hope until I take my final breath.   I share all of this in hopes of encouraging you to keep walking it out – keep waking your day-to-day out, your path, your road, your journey.  There is something great just up around the bend – I promise.  If you feel tired or worn down – take a break and a breath and then get back up and do the work.  It will be worth it – I promise!