Have you ever had a dream that just wouldn’t leave your thoughts and you just couldn’t shake off?  Well, this for me, is one of those dreams.  I had this dream a shortly after becoming widowed.  I had been dealing with a lot of fear about what life looked like and the “how to’s” of living in my new state of normal. If anyone ever asked me how I was doing, I usually went above and beyond in telling them everything was GREAT!  However, the truth of the matter was I was in a HUGE amount of denial about it all. Even more than I had realized.  That was until I had THIS dream.

Let me tell you about it……

I was in the Army along with a few of my best girl friends. We had all just finished up our previous duties and had been standing outside in a long line for hours waiting for our next assignment. It was pouring buckets of rain and was pretty cold.  We were all soaked and just wanted to get to a dry place to warm up.

Then came the moment for my friends, Lisa and Denise, to hear their next assignment.  They were both told to move forward in the same line to get their orders from a blonde haired woman at the front of the line.  This woman was young and began making small talk with them about the weather and all the pounding rain.  Just then, a huge wind picked up and it began to rain harder.

The assignment for both my friends was to go home and take watch over their own homes. Preferably while standing in their back yards. (I’m still scratching my head over that last sentence lol )  “Enjoy your families and children, ladies.” The woman hollered. She had to raise her voice so that the girls could hear her over all the noise the rain and wind were causing.  Both Lisa and Denise immediately high-five each other and as fast as they could, without looking back, boarded the plane waiting for them. That was that.  They were on their way home. Ohh, how my heart leapt with joy for them when I heard they were going home.  “How exciting!” I thought.  I couldn’t wait to go home.  I missed my family so much.

 

It was now my turn to hear my next assignment along with my other friend Liz. I was told to go to the same young woman the other girls had while Liz was told to go into the other line where a very thin older lady was standing. As I watched Liz walk over to her line, I began to worry. “Surely she’s going to get some other assignment and not be able to go home.” I assumed since she was headed to the other line. Just as I finished that thought, I noticed one of my new Army guy friends was now standing right next to me on my left side. He leaned in and asked me how I was doing.

“Fine.”  I said. “Just waiting to hear what’s next.”  He then nodded and smiled and continued to stand by my side. It was then I saw Liz jumping up and down. Her face said it all – she was going home, too!

“Mistie Zinn!” I heard the young woman call out.  “Yes, ma’am” I replied. She looked at me, smiled and said, ” Your assignment is to leave immediately on a secret journey. You will be boarding that plane over there and jumping out of it in an undisclosed location.” She continued.

With nothing but shock on my face caused by her words, I am now uncontrollably sobbing. I really wanted to go home. My heart was broken and disappointed.  I heard myself say out loud,  “WHY? NO! NO! NOOO! This isn’t happening!”

The woman showed no emotion and remained silent to my questions. I then asked her where I was going. She replied, with an annoyance in her tone, ” It’s top secret, but I will tell you that you’re going someplace special in the Jungle.”

“The …… JUNGLE?” I cried out.

“Yep!” the young woman replied.

I instantly told her I can’t go because I have children at home and they need me. And besides,  I have to get home to take care of my youngest daughter for sure. She really needs me the most I went on to explain.

“Your children will all be just fine. So no more fussing – you’re going! ” she quickly retorted.  The women proceeded on,” The Sargent Master has noticed some severe fear in recent days that He has been unable to break in you, so He’s sending you out to the jungle in order to break those fears.”

“Seriously? Are you kidding me right now?” I asked. The answer again was a resounding, “NOOO!”

My very first thought at this point was didn’t the “Sargent Master” know how afraid I am of snakes and yet he is still sending me to a place covered in them? Yeah, there is no way, no how I’m going to the jungle based on that fact alone! There just has to be an easier way to break this “fear”.  (Obviously I was missing the bigger point and still living in the land of denial which brought me there in the first place.)

The young woman is now pointing towards the plane and telling me to board it ASAP.  I am still arguing with her and telling her how sorry I am, but I just can’t go.  I even groveled and asked if someone else could go in my place. It was still a hard NO!

The next thing I see is my son, Josh, walking in to a tent area. (you know how dreams go, people just seem to appear out of nowhere) My new “best” guy friend proceeded to hand him MY debit card and a hug wad of cash.  As he was handing over what seemed like my entire life savings, he told Josh to take care of his sisters and stretch the cash adding,”Your mom will be back, eventually.”  Josh had a look of shock and confusion all over his face and kept asking me what was going on. I didn’t have time to answer him because at this point the guy grabbed a hold of my upper left arm with much force and began to escort me out of the tent towards the plane.

“I have to be here for Tiffanie!  I am the only one that can care for her! Let me GO! Let me GOOOO!” I was screaming while trying to break free.  “Josh, take care of your sisters and don’t allow anything or anyone to harm them.” I shouted.   He nodded and waved.

Now, the only thing I want to do is to fight this new “friend” of mine. Since he was twice my size I decided to let him have it via my mouth! I told him he was just as untrustworthy as everyone else and how much I hated him for portraying himself as my friend.  In fact, I told him he was nothing but a liar because he wasn’t  protecting me or my family, but instead he was sending me away from those I love the most and for no good reason!

No sooner did I get those words out of my mouth that I found myself landing on my feet in a jungle some place with only a back pack full of supplies to survive with. As I looked around, I noticed this jungle was full of other woman just like me.  All they had with them was a back pack full of supplies as well.  We all looked tired and spent, very dirty and in much need of a hot shower.  We ALL had tears rolling down our faces…along with the most confused and daze looks in our eyes. As strange as this sounds, all of that brought me some confront. I could clearly see for the first time that I wasn’t alone in this. And just like all these other women, I am going to have to continue to learn when to let go and how to maneuver though the new in order to survive in this “jungle”.

At this point in the dream, I wake up. My heart is racing! I begin laughing out loud at the very thought of me actually jumping out of a plane into a jungle someplace and then having to survive alone there. But as I continued to think about it, it occurred to me that I had actually been doing just that for the past eighteen months.  Just like in the dream, I only had so much to get me by – just like the supplies in the back pack – and I found at the end of every day I was still alone, spent, tired, eyes full fo tears, and in much need of a hot shower to cleanse me from the day and to prepare me for the next when it starts all over again.

It has been almost nine years since I became widowed and had this dream. Since then, I have come to realize every day is a new adventure FULL of new opportunities.  I never know what each day will bring or what kind of  battle I’ll have to fight, but with that said, I keep on moving forward and I keep on keeping on.  I have won some battles and I have lost some, but one thing I do know is I will survive and even, dare I say, be better off in the end because my “Sargent Master”  cares enough to help me overcome my deepest fears no matter how hard they seem to overcome or how much pain I will go through to get there.  I will make it through this “jungle” one day at time.

What fears are you facing today that seem insurmountable? My friend, Denise, has a saying, “Things will work out”. For most of us that is in fact a true statement and brings some kind of comfort, but for others; especially while facing the giants in their lives, that phrase might not be the most comforting.  The one thing I would encourage you with today is to face your fears, don’t live in denial like was. Call on some trustworthy friends to walk with you during the hard times and celebrate with you during the good times! Realize YOU have a lot more strength, tenacity, and determination than you think you have.  No matter what the outcome of your current circumstances may be, YOU will get through it and YOU WILL be stronger on the other side of your “jungle”.

 

Photo by LayHwa Chew from FreeImages